This (patience) has always been a real struggle for me.  But in this relationship with Tex (that’s his name, sorta LOL) I have nothing but patience.  There’s no rush for anything.

You all might think this is a little crazy … but I have everything I want in my life.  I got married, had my kids, a great house, all that stuff.  It didn’t work for me.  I still have my kids, thank god — but the rest?  I think maybe I finally found what it is I’m looking for: the love of a good man, great sex, and comfort on a daily basis.  And you know what?  If he leaves?  I’m still going to be just fine.  I still will have my kids (the most important thing)…and if he isn’t the man to be with me, then that’s okay.  Best for both of us that we move on to the next thing.  But right now?  I’m going to love him with all I have.

And I will take the next thing as it comes.

For the first time in my adult life, I’m just living and liking life. Not much stress — yeah, there’s work stress, and kid stress, and all the regular stuff, but when push comes to shove, my friends are wonderful, my kids are great, I get along with my soon-to-be-ex, and I have this man in my life who makes me exceptionally happy and keeps me completely satisfied. Which, if you’d been in MY marriage, counts for a hell of a lot. LOL

I haven’t spoken much of him, out of fear of jinxing things…but it’s been almost 5 months now, and I think things are fairly settled and comfortable. Maybe it’s okay for me to talk about.

He’s young. A lot younger than I am. At first, I think both of us were surprised to find ourselves in this, — it wasn’t where either of us expected ourselves to be. I pictured myself with some established, older man, and I would guess he saw himself with some younger, how do I say it? hotter chickie? It’s funny. But you know? It’s working. And it’s working really well, I’m pretty sure for both of us. No it’s not conventional, and no, it’s not expected….but the heart wants what it wants.

This guy loves me. He hasn’t told me that, but I know it. And I haven’t told him either. It’s been that thing that I am holding on to — I’ve never done this in a relationship before, but this time I have. Maybe to protect myself — that would make sense; maybe just to wait and NOT be the one to say it first. I don’t know. But now it’s become sort of a thing, for me… I’m not saying it. And I hear the hypocrisy in that statement, I do. I figure if I’m ready, really READY, I’ll say it. But up till now, this fear (or whatever it is) has afforded me a sense of security and protection. I don’t have to claim anything, yet I can continue to enjoy him, fully and completely. I am too afraid, I suppose, that he will decide I am too old for him, and leave me… so if I never commit completely, I am safe.

How fucked am I?

I’m sort of doing a stream of consciousness thing here … need to get it out, but also don’t want things to change. Tough choice. Thank god for blogs.

back soon.

Truly exceptional.

When you don’t know where you’re going and you don’t know why
It feels like another day’s beating into the night
Lay your head on my chest while my beatin’ heart pounds out the secret of this life

The higher you reach
The further the sky
The more miles you walk
The longer the road
The steeper you climb
The harder you stand to fall
The stronger you get
The heavier the load

I wish I could give you the answers in paper and ink
I wish I could stop all the tears before they start falling
But we’re feeling our way and we’re always beginners
We’re all cuts and no scars

The higher you reach
The further the sky
The more miles you walk
The longer the road
The steeper you climb
The harder you stand to fall
The stronger you get
The heavier the load

The higher oh, the higher oh, the higher that you reach
The further oh, the further oh, the further the sky
The higher oh, the higher oh, the higher that you reach
The further oh, the further oh, the further the sky

(Well the further the sky)

The bigger the dream
The rougher the ride
The truer the love
The deeper the ache
The blinder the faith
The tougher the go

The higher you reach
The further the sky
The more miles you walk
The longer the road
The steeper you climb
The harder you stand to fall
The stronger you get
The heavier the load

I’m trying desperately to embed The Gabe Dixon Band’s “Further the Sky”

Did it work?

I have lost around 23 pounds at this point.  I’m a little more than halfway to my goal, but frankly not too unhappy with where I am.  I can’t afford to drop another 15-20 — can’t afford the  new wardrobe.  As it is, nothing in my closet fits.  Not a very good excuse, but an honest one.

I can probably manage, if I get some things altered, with most of what’s in my closet.  Seems like the smart thing to do (maybe keep on my plan and a pound here, a pound there) but not kill myself to lose.  Then maybe in the spring, put another press on.  Don’t know.

Katie joined WW too.  She only needed to lose 10 (according to the Pediatrician), but it was a way for her to understand diet, exercise, and portion control.  And she’s done GREAT.  I am really proud of her.  I hope she gets it now, when she’s young, and doesn’t struggle into adulthood like i have.  I hope I am being a good influence.  Better late than never, huh?

and ahem.

it’s been an interesting few months — not at all what I would have expected, but perhaps that’s just the point.

I think I love someone, but not like I’ve ever loved anyone before.  Or been loved — if, in fact, I am loved.  Which I suspect I am, but god forbid, let’s not label it that.

And on a completely separate strain … I am loving Julian Velard’s music these days.

I want to write about him … but so far I have done almost everything “opposite” of what I would normally do, and things are going great, and I am relaxed and okay.  So, if I write it all out (even though I need to write), I will make it the same as before instead of “opposite” and frankly I don’t want to jinx it.

Long time away.  I suppose that’s a good thing?  Haven’t needed to write much, which I think has to do with my head being on straight, and not a lot of need to vent.

Things are trucking right along.  House is great, I am fine.  No men right now, and I suspect that is a good thing.  I took some initiative about a month ago, and joined Weight Watchers to try and get this stupid weight and health thing under control.  It hasn’t been a ridiculous thing, but it’s not me, and I have been living in an unhappy cloud for the past two years and eating and drinking for comfort.  It finally became time for me to shed the baggage and rise from the ashes of my failed marriage (so to speak) and feel good about myself.  So onward I go.  I am down almost 10 pounds in a month, and bought a bike, and am proud of my progress so far.

Kids go back to their dad today, and that leaves me with this week to myself to really be on track and focused.  Today I need to get the laundry done and the house cleaned, and hopefully fit in a walk and/or a bike ride.  It’s a beautiful day.  Time to go live it!

I’m in my house.  Things are still a disaster, but I guess if I’m honest, it’s a good disaster.  This place feels like home, it did immediately.  I’ve always been pretty good at picking homes.  Huh.  Reminds me of something I gave my mom when she bought her house: “No Matter Where You Go, There You Are.”  Seems fitting.

J and I are done, for now.  It dragged on and on and on (and on) until I finally just got nasty. Makes me think he’s a coward.   I don’t know though; it really doesn’t feel right to say we’re over … maybe that’s why I said “for now.”  I don’t feel committed to the never being with him again.  I’ll have to figure out what that’s about — whether it’s based on something real, or just my fantasies.

Interesting.

Tonight is my first night in my house alone.  I stayed here for the first time last Saturday night, but S decided to stay and sleep in my bed with me; and on Sunday, K made it clear she had had enough testosterone and wanted to come “home.”  S stayed again Sunday night, and K has been here all week.  So tonight, both kids are with their dad, so I am alone.  It’s weird.

Time for bed I guess, carpet & furniture cleaners coming at 9; and my mom and stepfather are in from out of town to see the house and K’s play.

More craziness.